Can you believe you are a mother?

A friend turned to me the other day and asked, "can you believe you are a mother?"

Now I know why she was asking this. Although my oldest is now 4, she is a relatively new mom and being a new mom is so monumental that it sometimes takes awhile to really get used to it.

Mentally, I thought I was ready to be a mom since I was 10. I mean when some girls were dreaming of their weddings, I was dreaming of having babies. I was just picturing myself walking around with one on each arm (because I thought it'd be so easy that I could handle two at time, ha!). They would be smiling at me and I'd be singing them lullabies. They'd eat when I fed them, they'd sleep when I put them down. They'd poop only 3x a day....

I guess that is what fantasy motherhood is like. Reality motherhood is more like walking a crying (sometimes screaming) baby around for hours while your arms go numb and your legs beg to sit because you are so darned tired from the 2 hours of fretful sleep from becoming a new parent. The worry that has set in; what if she gets this, what if that happens, we can't take her there, she has to this or that will happen. The worry can eat you alive.

You become surrounded in a world big colorful plastic toys. All with smiley faces, buttons, zippers, taggie things, rattling things...the toys become noisier, clutter becomes common, clothing and garments are ready for every spill, spit up, and excretion possible. Your house becomes Fort Knox, complete with little plastic thingies stuck in every open crevice, security gates anywhere one wall meets another wall. Your world of nice furniture, wine glasses, books and alone time is gone. Gone forever. Okay, not forever but definitely limited until they are older.

Motherhood can take a lot of people by surprise. It did for me. I recall the first day I was home from the hospital rocking my son in the glider chair. I used to sit in that chair many times when I was pregnant with him, resting my hands on my belly and thinking how cool it would be when he comes out. I couldn't wait. I wanted to hold him then.

Then that day, when I came home with him and held him physically in my arms in the chair, I began to cry. Yes, some of it was hormones but some of it was, "OMG, I have a child!" This was both positive and very scary at the same time. I thought, this is it! He is relying on me and only me! It was like the old me was gone and I never got a chance to say good-bye. There's no turning back, no one to turn him over to at the end of the day and no more doing whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like. Now, it was all about baby and I am the responsible one! I never thought I was an irresponsible person, not in the least, but I can say at that moment, it was difficult to believe I was a mom.

Truly, I think it was just that shock of understanding how my life was about to change. No one can really tell you that, no one can accurately describe it until that moment you feel it. It didn't take long for me to realize that life will accommodate the changes that you get. You may change a little but you are still there and the joy that you get out of it topples all the concerns and fears. It just takes some time.


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